maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
