I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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