I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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