I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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