Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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