My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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