He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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