i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize