ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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