I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My first STD was from a foam party
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
