I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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