Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
