This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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