There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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