My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
