I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
