went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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