I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
