note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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