Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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