can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
