no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just gift wrapped bread.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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