..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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