My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
