So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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