after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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