just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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