i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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