so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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