if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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