did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We are two peas in an std pod
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
