I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she told me i tasted like america
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
