I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
