Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
