dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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