So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
