HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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