imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
