OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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