um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
