She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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