chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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