I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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