Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
