The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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