i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
