At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
