I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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