they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize