My room smells like vodka and shame
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
