i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
