Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
