genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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