apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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