Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
