bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the raccoons are back...
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