On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
