A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
