I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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